On Refinement

I've been thinking about the word refinement a lot lately. Mostly because every time I turn around, I feel like something else is being thrown into the fire. My income, my career, my relationships, my health, my emotions, my way of coping with my emotions, my serving and giving, my motives in serving and giving, my gifts and accomplishments, my need for people to acknowledge my gifts and accomplishments, my humor, my stories, my need for people who will listen and ask questions. There isn't a part of my life that hasn't been or isn't going through it at this point. And I'm frustrated by it. I've reached a point where I'm done trying to keep moving forward. I've stopped dealing with things. Some days, even showering is a challenge.

I've asked God more times than I can count to please, Please, PLEASE take these struggles from me. I'm tired of having the realization that my coping mechanisms are unhealthy or that I rely too much on people's approval of my decisions and not enough on God's opinion and guidance.

So, why can't this be done with? Why can't God just fix it or leave me alone already?

My good friend Webster tells me that to refine means to "bring to a fine or a pure state; free from impurities." When I read that, I want to see a finished product. I want it to be past tense. I don't want it to be the process that is so deeply embedded in that word.

Isaiah 48 has been my constant comfort in this season. It has been God's reminder to me of why He doesn't, as I put it earlier, "fix it or leave me alone." 

ISAIAH 48:9-11 (MSG)

But out of the sheer goodness of my heart,
    because of who I am,
I keep a tight rein on my anger and hold my temper.
    I don’t wash my hands of you.
Do you see what I’ve done?
    I’ve refined you, but not without fire.
    I’ve tested you like silver in the furnace of affliction.
Out of myself, simply because of who I am, I do what I do.
    I have my reputation to keep up.
    I’m not playing second fiddle to either gods or people.

In this passage, I feel God's desire to be part of my life. He knows that I have so many distractions, disappointments, and illusions. Earlier in the chapter, Isaiah states that Israel acts as if they lean on God, but that they are actually hard-headed, rebellious, know it alls. But He won't give up. He continues to strip away anything that comes between us so that we can shine for Him. It's by His love and for His glory that we are put through the fire. So, even though I'd prefer to hold my habits and comforts close to my chest, God is asking me to open my palms to Him and trust Him as I walk through the flames.