A City Of Romantic Notions

I live in a city of romantic notions.

I am surrounded by people who moved here to chase a fanciful idea.

From the outside, Los Angeles is a sparkling city full of beautiful and famous people, palm trees, mansions in the hills, and an endless supply of new juice cleanses. Before you move here, you watch videos on the internet where you hear movie stars reminisce about the period in their lives that they lived in their car as if it were summer camp.

I was one of those people. I moved to LA with wide eyes, $300, a car full of stuff, no job, and nowhere to live. But I'll be damned if I wasn't going to make it in this city.

When I arrived, I didn't get a convertible or a tan or a ticket to the next screening of the summer's hottest blockbuster. Instead, I found a one bedroom apartment on craiglist and moved in with two other girls. I nannied for a family who chose not to speak English to me. I ate twenty cent ramen noodles with a side of iceburg lettuce. I had nightmares about how I was going to pay my rent.

And then, I got what I thought was my dream job as an assistant at a TV network. Man, was I living the life... for a month or two. But around the second month, the romantic notions wore off. I realized that my dream job of creating television looked a lot like answering phone calls and scheduling meetings and sitting in a cubicle behind a computer screen. For others, that romantic notion wears off when they realize that their dream job requires 16 hour days of a film set, not having time for a personal life or really for anything but work and sleep.

Now, don't get me wrong. I am by no means saying that I dislike my job or that what we do isn't worth it. Because it totally is and we love it... at least most of the time.

But what I am saying is this. Behind every romantic notion is real life. A notion, by definition, is a vague or imperfect idea of something. It is not grounded in real life. It does not take into account the mundane and the difficult. In fact, romantic notions flee as soon as real commitment is involved. But when we realize that real life can be better than romantic notions and that finding joy in the mundane is better than running away anytime something becomes boring, we will find the life we wanted.

So, to all the people who are dreaming of greener pastures. Don't be fooled by the romantic notion that somewhere else - be it Los Angeles or Europe or Missoula, Montana - is going to solve all of your problems. If you're dreaming of going somewhere, then go! But don't think that you'll get there and be greeted by anything but yourself and real life when the romance wears off.

What Do You Want?

If you're wondering what I'm dealing with in my life right now, all you have to do is note that half of my blog posts are about knowing (or not knowing) what I should be doing with my life. It's been a common theme for me; Wanting to know my next step. I think every single day I have some sort of identity crisis about how I don't know what I'm doing, I question if this step will get me to where I should be going, or I wonder why I can't figure out what the heck I am doing.

When I was younger, I had socks for every day of the week. Yes, at 9 years old, I was that fashionista who wore calf socks with the day of the week emblazoned on them in bright colors. Now that I'm older, I've traded my socks for dreams. I have a different idea of what I want to do every day of the week. And it's overwhelming for both me and for the unfortunate souls who dare to ask what I want to do.

But really... Here's what it comes down to for me right now. Everyone asks me what I do, what I want to do, or what I should be doing to get there. Should, shouldn't, want, don't want, five year plans... Forget it. I struggle so much with feeling like I need to know what I want and feeling like I have to have it all together... I've always been that person. It's not so much that I look around and feel like everyone else has it all together and I'm falling behind. It's that I've always had a plan, I've always known what I wanted, and I always taken a lot of risks to follow those.

But I'm over feeling like I have to follow along with the plan I laid out for myself when I was 12 years old. I was still wearing velvet leopard print pants at that point so, clearly, I didn't know what life was all about. I'm done with being afraid to make a choice because it doesn't fit in the "big picture." I'm done living life terrified that every choice might be the wrong one 

I've been reading the book "Let's All Be Brave" by Annie Downs recently. During the chapter about saying yes to things, she says this:

"We don't screw things up by saying yes to the wrong things. We screw things up by watching all the parade floats pass us by and never jumping on one of them for a ride to the end."

That hit me hard.

I often get paralyzed when faced with a decision because I feel like I can't say yes unless I'm certain it's the "right" choice. But this is my declaration that I'm going to say yes to things that I want to without over analyzing whether it is the correct choice. Sure, I'll still pray about things (because that's important), but if there's no major red flag I'm going to say yes.

Side note: please don't read this as "kat is going to say yes to everything", because I'm not. Last time I said yes to everything, I ended up with pneumonia. But this is more specifically about decisions relating to life plans (and lack thereof).

So *raises cup of cold brew* here's to not over analyzing and maybe even having some fun.

On Refinement

I've been thinking about the word refinement a lot lately. Mostly because every time I turn around, I feel like something else is being thrown into the fire. My income, my career, my relationships, my health, my emotions, my way of coping with my emotions, my serving and giving, my motives in serving and giving, my gifts and accomplishments, my need for people to acknowledge my gifts and accomplishments, my humor, my stories, my need for people who will listen and ask questions. There isn't a part of my life that hasn't been or isn't going through it at this point. And I'm frustrated by it. I've reached a point where I'm done trying to keep moving forward. I've stopped dealing with things. Some days, even showering is a challenge.

I've asked God more times than I can count to please, Please, PLEASE take these struggles from me. I'm tired of having the realization that my coping mechanisms are unhealthy or that I rely too much on people's approval of my decisions and not enough on God's opinion and guidance.

So, why can't this be done with? Why can't God just fix it or leave me alone already?

My good friend Webster tells me that to refine means to "bring to a fine or a pure state; free from impurities." When I read that, I want to see a finished product. I want it to be past tense. I don't want it to be the process that is so deeply embedded in that word.

Isaiah 48 has been my constant comfort in this season. It has been God's reminder to me of why He doesn't, as I put it earlier, "fix it or leave me alone." 

ISAIAH 48:9-11 (MSG)

But out of the sheer goodness of my heart,
    because of who I am,
I keep a tight rein on my anger and hold my temper.
    I don’t wash my hands of you.
Do you see what I’ve done?
    I’ve refined you, but not without fire.
    I’ve tested you like silver in the furnace of affliction.
Out of myself, simply because of who I am, I do what I do.
    I have my reputation to keep up.
    I’m not playing second fiddle to either gods or people.

In this passage, I feel God's desire to be part of my life. He knows that I have so many distractions, disappointments, and illusions. Earlier in the chapter, Isaiah states that Israel acts as if they lean on God, but that they are actually hard-headed, rebellious, know it alls. But He won't give up. He continues to strip away anything that comes between us so that we can shine for Him. It's by His love and for His glory that we are put through the fire. So, even though I'd prefer to hold my habits and comforts close to my chest, God is asking me to open my palms to Him and trust Him as I walk through the flames.