A City Of Romantic Notions

I live in a city of romantic notions.

I am surrounded by people who moved here to chase a fanciful idea.

From the outside, Los Angeles is a sparkling city full of beautiful and famous people, palm trees, mansions in the hills, and an endless supply of new juice cleanses. Before you move here, you watch videos on the internet where you hear movie stars reminisce about the period in their lives that they lived in their car as if it were summer camp.

I was one of those people. I moved to LA with wide eyes, $300, a car full of stuff, no job, and nowhere to live. But I'll be damned if I wasn't going to make it in this city.

When I arrived, I didn't get a convertible or a tan or a ticket to the next screening of the summer's hottest blockbuster. Instead, I found a one bedroom apartment on craiglist and moved in with two other girls. I nannied for a family who chose not to speak English to me. I ate twenty cent ramen noodles with a side of iceburg lettuce. I had nightmares about how I was going to pay my rent.

And then, I got what I thought was my dream job as an assistant at a TV network. Man, was I living the life... for a month or two. But around the second month, the romantic notions wore off. I realized that my dream job of creating television looked a lot like answering phone calls and scheduling meetings and sitting in a cubicle behind a computer screen. For others, that romantic notion wears off when they realize that their dream job requires 16 hour days of a film set, not having time for a personal life or really for anything but work and sleep.

Now, don't get me wrong. I am by no means saying that I dislike my job or that what we do isn't worth it. Because it totally is and we love it... at least most of the time.

But what I am saying is this. Behind every romantic notion is real life. A notion, by definition, is a vague or imperfect idea of something. It is not grounded in real life. It does not take into account the mundane and the difficult. In fact, romantic notions flee as soon as real commitment is involved. But when we realize that real life can be better than romantic notions and that finding joy in the mundane is better than running away anytime something becomes boring, we will find the life we wanted.

So, to all the people who are dreaming of greener pastures. Don't be fooled by the romantic notion that somewhere else - be it Los Angeles or Europe or Missoula, Montana - is going to solve all of your problems. If you're dreaming of going somewhere, then go! But don't think that you'll get there and be greeted by anything but yourself and real life when the romance wears off.

What Do You Want?

If you're wondering what I'm dealing with in my life right now, all you have to do is note that half of my blog posts are about knowing (or not knowing) what I should be doing with my life. It's been a common theme for me; Wanting to know my next step. I think every single day I have some sort of identity crisis about how I don't know what I'm doing, I question if this step will get me to where I should be going, or I wonder why I can't figure out what the heck I am doing.

When I was younger, I had socks for every day of the week. Yes, at 9 years old, I was that fashionista who wore calf socks with the day of the week emblazoned on them in bright colors. Now that I'm older, I've traded my socks for dreams. I have a different idea of what I want to do every day of the week. And it's overwhelming for both me and for the unfortunate souls who dare to ask what I want to do.

But really... Here's what it comes down to for me right now. Everyone asks me what I do, what I want to do, or what I should be doing to get there. Should, shouldn't, want, don't want, five year plans... Forget it. I struggle so much with feeling like I need to know what I want and feeling like I have to have it all together... I've always been that person. It's not so much that I look around and feel like everyone else has it all together and I'm falling behind. It's that I've always had a plan, I've always known what I wanted, and I always taken a lot of risks to follow those.

But I'm over feeling like I have to follow along with the plan I laid out for myself when I was 12 years old. I was still wearing velvet leopard print pants at that point so, clearly, I didn't know what life was all about. I'm done with being afraid to make a choice because it doesn't fit in the "big picture." I'm done living life terrified that every choice might be the wrong one 

I've been reading the book "Let's All Be Brave" by Annie Downs recently. During the chapter about saying yes to things, she says this:

"We don't screw things up by saying yes to the wrong things. We screw things up by watching all the parade floats pass us by and never jumping on one of them for a ride to the end."

That hit me hard.

I often get paralyzed when faced with a decision because I feel like I can't say yes unless I'm certain it's the "right" choice. But this is my declaration that I'm going to say yes to things that I want to without over analyzing whether it is the correct choice. Sure, I'll still pray about things (because that's important), but if there's no major red flag I'm going to say yes.

Side note: please don't read this as "kat is going to say yes to everything", because I'm not. Last time I said yes to everything, I ended up with pneumonia. But this is more specifically about decisions relating to life plans (and lack thereof).

So *raises cup of cold brew* here's to not over analyzing and maybe even having some fun.

On Refinement

I've been thinking about the word refinement a lot lately. Mostly because every time I turn around, I feel like something else is being thrown into the fire. My income, my career, my relationships, my health, my emotions, my way of coping with my emotions, my serving and giving, my motives in serving and giving, my gifts and accomplishments, my need for people to acknowledge my gifts and accomplishments, my humor, my stories, my need for people who will listen and ask questions. There isn't a part of my life that hasn't been or isn't going through it at this point. And I'm frustrated by it. I've reached a point where I'm done trying to keep moving forward. I've stopped dealing with things. Some days, even showering is a challenge.

I've asked God more times than I can count to please, Please, PLEASE take these struggles from me. I'm tired of having the realization that my coping mechanisms are unhealthy or that I rely too much on people's approval of my decisions and not enough on God's opinion and guidance.

So, why can't this be done with? Why can't God just fix it or leave me alone already?

My good friend Webster tells me that to refine means to "bring to a fine or a pure state; free from impurities." When I read that, I want to see a finished product. I want it to be past tense. I don't want it to be the process that is so deeply embedded in that word.

Isaiah 48 has been my constant comfort in this season. It has been God's reminder to me of why He doesn't, as I put it earlier, "fix it or leave me alone." 

ISAIAH 48:9-11 (MSG)

But out of the sheer goodness of my heart,
    because of who I am,
I keep a tight rein on my anger and hold my temper.
    I don’t wash my hands of you.
Do you see what I’ve done?
    I’ve refined you, but not without fire.
    I’ve tested you like silver in the furnace of affliction.
Out of myself, simply because of who I am, I do what I do.
    I have my reputation to keep up.
    I’m not playing second fiddle to either gods or people.

In this passage, I feel God's desire to be part of my life. He knows that I have so many distractions, disappointments, and illusions. Earlier in the chapter, Isaiah states that Israel acts as if they lean on God, but that they are actually hard-headed, rebellious, know it alls. But He won't give up. He continues to strip away anything that comes between us so that we can shine for Him. It's by His love and for His glory that we are put through the fire. So, even though I'd prefer to hold my habits and comforts close to my chest, God is asking me to open my palms to Him and trust Him as I walk through the flames.

probably nothing, but maybe everything

I'm an everything or nothing person. I go hard or go home. I will take on everything and never take time for myself, or I will get pneumonia and not be able to do anything for a month. And when  I set goals, I get very frustrated with myself when I'm unable to meet them. Tomorrow was going to mark the second week in a row that I haven't posted anything since I started this journey. I've been crazy busy between job hunting, wrapping up my current job, church, people visiting, and just the dailiness of life. Today I was getting pretty down on myself and also overwhelmed by the idea that I didn't have time to post. But you know what? I'm posting. It may not be anything amazing. It may be nothing in my own eyes, but it could be everything in my journey to be ok with myself. I'm learning to give myself grace to not always meet my goals. And you know what? That's kind of freeing.

Let's Be Needy

Needy. That's a dirty word if I've ever heard one. I've spent my entire life trying to avoid that word. I've never been the type to rely on others. Why would I, if they're just going to let me down? Plus I'm impatient enough that I'd rather just get stuff done instead of waiting for someone else to do it. What I didn't realize until recently, was how intensely that habit of distrust affected my relationship with God. I've spent so long doing things on my own that I don't want to let God do things. I don't want to have to rely on him, wait for His timing, or trust that he would come through.

But God likes it when we're a little bit needy. Because being needy means that we can't do everything on our own. Hebrews 10:38 tells us that the righteous should live by faith. That's it, isn't it? God is pleased when we are in positions that make us need Him. Now, don't get me wrong - I'm not saying He wants bad things to happen to us so that we'll turn to Him. I'm saying that He wants us to believe the impossible and find ourselves in situations where the things we need to accomplish are so big that we have no choice but to trust in His plan and give Him the glory.

My mind immediately goes to the story of Mary, the mother of Jesus. She was in just such a position. An angel of God came to her and began telling her about the most impossible situation. She is going to have a baby, a boy who will change the world! Now, scientifically speaking, pregnancy is a miracle - even when there are two people involved. But if you take away one of those people and say the baby will be the Son of God and suddenly a situation that was improbable at best has now become overwhelmingly impossible.

I'm sure, as she was listening to the angel, Mary felt so many different things: fear, inadequacy, confusion, wonder, excitement... the list goes on. If it were me in that moment, I would've had an intense feeling of inadequacy, "who am I to be in this position?" That would've soon been followed by a feeling of fear, "what if God doesn't come through?"

But the angel didn't stop there. He followed the announcement of that impossible situation by saying "No word from God will ever fail" (Luke 1:37).

Mary takes this in... no word from God will ever fail...

Her response is so beautiful. She simply says, "I'm your servant, let it be done as you say" (Luke 1:38). As she is faced with the most ludicrous idea she has ever heard, she chooses to respond in trust, dependence, and faith. She could have responded by saying, "Why would you choose me? I'm just going to mess up your plan!" or "Umm... who do you think you are? That is never going to happen!" But she didn't. She chose to believe.

After that moment, she didn't have to go out and try to get pregnant. She didn't even go around telling everyone what God had promised her! She simply had to go on with her life and believe that God would do what He said. The same goes for us in whatever impossible situations we may be facing right now. We don't have to spend time trying to make things happen. We just need to tell God that we trust that His promises will not fail and that we are willing to be used by Him.

Let it be done as He says.

And maybe it takes us a while to believe that. Who knows how many times Mary had to say that to herself after the angel left. I'm sure it wasn't simply a one time thing and then she had all the faith in the world. But if we continue to tell God that His promises won't fail and that we want to be used by Him, eventually we'll believe that too.

So, I've realized that I want to be a little bit needy. I don't want to always figure things out for myself. I want to remember the words "No word from God will ever fail" and say to God, "I am your servant, let it be done as you say."

I Hate Writer's Block

Charles Bukowski says that “writing about writer's block is better than not writing at all." So, here are the words I'll write about not having words to write.


Today I can find nothing to say. I keep circling every part of this cave that is my soul, only to come back empty. Something beckons from deep within, but it stays just outside the circle of light cast by my flashlight. The words that I want to write flit away like bats. I wish they would let me see them. If only they knew that I want to bring them back to the light of day, where they can live warmly on the pages of my journal. But they are happier in the dark; they want to stay in this dripping place that houses my darkest secrets and my deepest insecurities. Some days, all it takes is some gentle coaxing to bring the words to light; on others, it takes every ounce of strength I have to drag them out. Even as I wonder where they are, my flashlight catches one and it flutters to the ground. I approach it quietly, as if my kindness will make it more compliant. But it dies in my arms, still elusive even in the holding. The others keep carefully out of my way. They seem to ignore my request to play. I want them to come join me in the light; but it is no use. They are chained by fear, apathy, and distraction to the walls of my soul and they could not venture forth even if they wanted to.

From The Girl Who Wants Everyone To Like Her

Dear Everyone,

You may not even realize it, but you have power over me. Anything you ask me to do, I will bend over backwards to make sure you are happy. Any time you are not happy, I will drop everything to figure out why not. If it is me you are unhappy with, I will remove as much of myself from the equation as I need to so that you don't need to be bothered.

Someone once demonstrated to me that conflict cannot coexist with companionship so I will do everything I can to make sure that you and I never disagree, because I want to be your friend. I will even go a step further and will like everything that you like, because I decided that common ground meant seeing things the exact same way. I will suppress any plan, idea, or opinion I may have that varies from yours because what I want doesn't matter as much as you accepting me.

But that won't be enough and you will eventually leave me behind out of either boredom or coincidence. The first time this happens, I will feel the heartbreak in every fiber of my being. Once you are gone and I've stopped crying, I'll go find someone else who will approve of me. I will go through the same cycle with them. I will agree with what they say, like what they like, and they will eventually leave me behind. With each new person, I will have a whole new set of likes and dislikes, opinions, and goals. This will happen again and again until, finally, I have lost any part of myself that existed in the first place. I will no longer feel sorrow when I am left behind, I will just feel a sense of empty disappointment toward myself. I will think there must be something wrong with me that people keep leaving me behind even when I try so desperately to keep them.

What I never realized is that people are leaving me behind because I am sitting on the side of the road they are traveling on. They may sit down and talk to me for a moment, they may even invite me to travel with them. But when I hid my dreams, passions, and imperfections for the sake of acceptance, I began to believe that my legs are not able to carry me down that road.

So here I sit, with my cardboard sign scrawled with the sharpie words "PLEASE LIKE ME" and a tin cup held out for approval. I keep hoping that you will sit here with me instead of continuing on your journey. You encourage me to get up and walk with you. You say that we can talk on the road. But I choose to stay here with my cup, because I have long ago convinced myself that my legs were not good enough to walk on.

Sincerely,
The Girl Who Wants Everyone To Like Her