A City Of Romantic Notions

I live in a city of romantic notions.

I am surrounded by people who moved here to chase a fanciful idea.

From the outside, Los Angeles is a sparkling city full of beautiful and famous people, palm trees, mansions in the hills, and an endless supply of new juice cleanses. Before you move here, you watch videos on the internet where you hear movie stars reminisce about the period in their lives that they lived in their car as if it were summer camp.

I was one of those people. I moved to LA with wide eyes, $300, a car full of stuff, no job, and nowhere to live. But I'll be damned if I wasn't going to make it in this city.

When I arrived, I didn't get a convertible or a tan or a ticket to the next screening of the summer's hottest blockbuster. Instead, I found a one bedroom apartment on craiglist and moved in with two other girls. I nannied for a family who chose not to speak English to me. I ate twenty cent ramen noodles with a side of iceburg lettuce. I had nightmares about how I was going to pay my rent.

And then, I got what I thought was my dream job as an assistant at a TV network. Man, was I living the life... for a month or two. But around the second month, the romantic notions wore off. I realized that my dream job of creating television looked a lot like answering phone calls and scheduling meetings and sitting in a cubicle behind a computer screen. For others, that romantic notion wears off when they realize that their dream job requires 16 hour days of a film set, not having time for a personal life or really for anything but work and sleep.

Now, don't get me wrong. I am by no means saying that I dislike my job or that what we do isn't worth it. Because it totally is and we love it... at least most of the time.

But what I am saying is this. Behind every romantic notion is real life. A notion, by definition, is a vague or imperfect idea of something. It is not grounded in real life. It does not take into account the mundane and the difficult. In fact, romantic notions flee as soon as real commitment is involved. But when we realize that real life can be better than romantic notions and that finding joy in the mundane is better than running away anytime something becomes boring, we will find the life we wanted.

So, to all the people who are dreaming of greener pastures. Don't be fooled by the romantic notion that somewhere else - be it Los Angeles or Europe or Missoula, Montana - is going to solve all of your problems. If you're dreaming of going somewhere, then go! But don't think that you'll get there and be greeted by anything but yourself and real life when the romance wears off.

What Do You Want?

If you're wondering what I'm dealing with in my life right now, all you have to do is note that half of my blog posts are about knowing (or not knowing) what I should be doing with my life. It's been a common theme for me; Wanting to know my next step. I think every single day I have some sort of identity crisis about how I don't know what I'm doing, I question if this step will get me to where I should be going, or I wonder why I can't figure out what the heck I am doing.

When I was younger, I had socks for every day of the week. Yes, at 9 years old, I was that fashionista who wore calf socks with the day of the week emblazoned on them in bright colors. Now that I'm older, I've traded my socks for dreams. I have a different idea of what I want to do every day of the week. And it's overwhelming for both me and for the unfortunate souls who dare to ask what I want to do.

But really... Here's what it comes down to for me right now. Everyone asks me what I do, what I want to do, or what I should be doing to get there. Should, shouldn't, want, don't want, five year plans... Forget it. I struggle so much with feeling like I need to know what I want and feeling like I have to have it all together... I've always been that person. It's not so much that I look around and feel like everyone else has it all together and I'm falling behind. It's that I've always had a plan, I've always known what I wanted, and I always taken a lot of risks to follow those.

But I'm over feeling like I have to follow along with the plan I laid out for myself when I was 12 years old. I was still wearing velvet leopard print pants at that point so, clearly, I didn't know what life was all about. I'm done with being afraid to make a choice because it doesn't fit in the "big picture." I'm done living life terrified that every choice might be the wrong one 

I've been reading the book "Let's All Be Brave" by Annie Downs recently. During the chapter about saying yes to things, she says this:

"We don't screw things up by saying yes to the wrong things. We screw things up by watching all the parade floats pass us by and never jumping on one of them for a ride to the end."

That hit me hard.

I often get paralyzed when faced with a decision because I feel like I can't say yes unless I'm certain it's the "right" choice. But this is my declaration that I'm going to say yes to things that I want to without over analyzing whether it is the correct choice. Sure, I'll still pray about things (because that's important), but if there's no major red flag I'm going to say yes.

Side note: please don't read this as "kat is going to say yes to everything", because I'm not. Last time I said yes to everything, I ended up with pneumonia. But this is more specifically about decisions relating to life plans (and lack thereof).

So *raises cup of cold brew* here's to not over analyzing and maybe even having some fun.

On Refinement

I've been thinking about the word refinement a lot lately. Mostly because every time I turn around, I feel like something else is being thrown into the fire. My income, my career, my relationships, my health, my emotions, my way of coping with my emotions, my serving and giving, my motives in serving and giving, my gifts and accomplishments, my need for people to acknowledge my gifts and accomplishments, my humor, my stories, my need for people who will listen and ask questions. There isn't a part of my life that hasn't been or isn't going through it at this point. And I'm frustrated by it. I've reached a point where I'm done trying to keep moving forward. I've stopped dealing with things. Some days, even showering is a challenge.

I've asked God more times than I can count to please, Please, PLEASE take these struggles from me. I'm tired of having the realization that my coping mechanisms are unhealthy or that I rely too much on people's approval of my decisions and not enough on God's opinion and guidance.

So, why can't this be done with? Why can't God just fix it or leave me alone already?

My good friend Webster tells me that to refine means to "bring to a fine or a pure state; free from impurities." When I read that, I want to see a finished product. I want it to be past tense. I don't want it to be the process that is so deeply embedded in that word.

Isaiah 48 has been my constant comfort in this season. It has been God's reminder to me of why He doesn't, as I put it earlier, "fix it or leave me alone." 

ISAIAH 48:9-11 (MSG)

But out of the sheer goodness of my heart,
    because of who I am,
I keep a tight rein on my anger and hold my temper.
    I don’t wash my hands of you.
Do you see what I’ve done?
    I’ve refined you, but not without fire.
    I’ve tested you like silver in the furnace of affliction.
Out of myself, simply because of who I am, I do what I do.
    I have my reputation to keep up.
    I’m not playing second fiddle to either gods or people.

In this passage, I feel God's desire to be part of my life. He knows that I have so many distractions, disappointments, and illusions. Earlier in the chapter, Isaiah states that Israel acts as if they lean on God, but that they are actually hard-headed, rebellious, know it alls. But He won't give up. He continues to strip away anything that comes between us so that we can shine for Him. It's by His love and for His glory that we are put through the fire. So, even though I'd prefer to hold my habits and comforts close to my chest, God is asking me to open my palms to Him and trust Him as I walk through the flames.

probably nothing, but maybe everything

I'm an everything or nothing person. I go hard or go home. I will take on everything and never take time for myself, or I will get pneumonia and not be able to do anything for a month. And when  I set goals, I get very frustrated with myself when I'm unable to meet them. Tomorrow was going to mark the second week in a row that I haven't posted anything since I started this journey. I've been crazy busy between job hunting, wrapping up my current job, church, people visiting, and just the dailiness of life. Today I was getting pretty down on myself and also overwhelmed by the idea that I didn't have time to post. But you know what? I'm posting. It may not be anything amazing. It may be nothing in my own eyes, but it could be everything in my journey to be ok with myself. I'm learning to give myself grace to not always meet my goals. And you know what? That's kind of freeing.

Let's Be Needy

Needy. That's a dirty word if I've ever heard one. I've spent my entire life trying to avoid that word. I've never been the type to rely on others. Why would I, if they're just going to let me down? Plus I'm impatient enough that I'd rather just get stuff done instead of waiting for someone else to do it. What I didn't realize until recently, was how intensely that habit of distrust affected my relationship with God. I've spent so long doing things on my own that I don't want to let God do things. I don't want to have to rely on him, wait for His timing, or trust that he would come through.

But God likes it when we're a little bit needy. Because being needy means that we can't do everything on our own. Hebrews 10:38 tells us that the righteous should live by faith. That's it, isn't it? God is pleased when we are in positions that make us need Him. Now, don't get me wrong - I'm not saying He wants bad things to happen to us so that we'll turn to Him. I'm saying that He wants us to believe the impossible and find ourselves in situations where the things we need to accomplish are so big that we have no choice but to trust in His plan and give Him the glory.

My mind immediately goes to the story of Mary, the mother of Jesus. She was in just such a position. An angel of God came to her and began telling her about the most impossible situation. She is going to have a baby, a boy who will change the world! Now, scientifically speaking, pregnancy is a miracle - even when there are two people involved. But if you take away one of those people and say the baby will be the Son of God and suddenly a situation that was improbable at best has now become overwhelmingly impossible.

I'm sure, as she was listening to the angel, Mary felt so many different things: fear, inadequacy, confusion, wonder, excitement... the list goes on. If it were me in that moment, I would've had an intense feeling of inadequacy, "who am I to be in this position?" That would've soon been followed by a feeling of fear, "what if God doesn't come through?"

But the angel didn't stop there. He followed the announcement of that impossible situation by saying "No word from God will ever fail" (Luke 1:37).

Mary takes this in... no word from God will ever fail...

Her response is so beautiful. She simply says, "I'm your servant, let it be done as you say" (Luke 1:38). As she is faced with the most ludicrous idea she has ever heard, she chooses to respond in trust, dependence, and faith. She could have responded by saying, "Why would you choose me? I'm just going to mess up your plan!" or "Umm... who do you think you are? That is never going to happen!" But she didn't. She chose to believe.

After that moment, she didn't have to go out and try to get pregnant. She didn't even go around telling everyone what God had promised her! She simply had to go on with her life and believe that God would do what He said. The same goes for us in whatever impossible situations we may be facing right now. We don't have to spend time trying to make things happen. We just need to tell God that we trust that His promises will not fail and that we are willing to be used by Him.

Let it be done as He says.

And maybe it takes us a while to believe that. Who knows how many times Mary had to say that to herself after the angel left. I'm sure it wasn't simply a one time thing and then she had all the faith in the world. But if we continue to tell God that His promises won't fail and that we want to be used by Him, eventually we'll believe that too.

So, I've realized that I want to be a little bit needy. I don't want to always figure things out for myself. I want to remember the words "No word from God will ever fail" and say to God, "I am your servant, let it be done as you say."

I Hate Writer's Block

Charles Bukowski says that “writing about writer's block is better than not writing at all." So, here are the words I'll write about not having words to write.


Today I can find nothing to say. I keep circling every part of this cave that is my soul, only to come back empty. Something beckons from deep within, but it stays just outside the circle of light cast by my flashlight. The words that I want to write flit away like bats. I wish they would let me see them. If only they knew that I want to bring them back to the light of day, where they can live warmly on the pages of my journal. But they are happier in the dark; they want to stay in this dripping place that houses my darkest secrets and my deepest insecurities. Some days, all it takes is some gentle coaxing to bring the words to light; on others, it takes every ounce of strength I have to drag them out. Even as I wonder where they are, my flashlight catches one and it flutters to the ground. I approach it quietly, as if my kindness will make it more compliant. But it dies in my arms, still elusive even in the holding. The others keep carefully out of my way. They seem to ignore my request to play. I want them to come join me in the light; but it is no use. They are chained by fear, apathy, and distraction to the walls of my soul and they could not venture forth even if they wanted to.

From The Girl Who Wants Everyone To Like Her

Dear Everyone,

You may not even realize it, but you have power over me. Anything you ask me to do, I will bend over backwards to make sure you are happy. Any time you are not happy, I will drop everything to figure out why not. If it is me you are unhappy with, I will remove as much of myself from the equation as I need to so that you don't need to be bothered.

Someone once demonstrated to me that conflict cannot coexist with companionship so I will do everything I can to make sure that you and I never disagree, because I want to be your friend. I will even go a step further and will like everything that you like, because I decided that common ground meant seeing things the exact same way. I will suppress any plan, idea, or opinion I may have that varies from yours because what I want doesn't matter as much as you accepting me.

But that won't be enough and you will eventually leave me behind out of either boredom or coincidence. The first time this happens, I will feel the heartbreak in every fiber of my being. Once you are gone and I've stopped crying, I'll go find someone else who will approve of me. I will go through the same cycle with them. I will agree with what they say, like what they like, and they will eventually leave me behind. With each new person, I will have a whole new set of likes and dislikes, opinions, and goals. This will happen again and again until, finally, I have lost any part of myself that existed in the first place. I will no longer feel sorrow when I am left behind, I will just feel a sense of empty disappointment toward myself. I will think there must be something wrong with me that people keep leaving me behind even when I try so desperately to keep them.

What I never realized is that people are leaving me behind because I am sitting on the side of the road they are traveling on. They may sit down and talk to me for a moment, they may even invite me to travel with them. But when I hid my dreams, passions, and imperfections for the sake of acceptance, I began to believe that my legs are not able to carry me down that road.

So here I sit, with my cardboard sign scrawled with the sharpie words "PLEASE LIKE ME" and a tin cup held out for approval. I keep hoping that you will sit here with me instead of continuing on your journey. You encourage me to get up and walk with you. You say that we can talk on the road. But I choose to stay here with my cup, because I have long ago convinced myself that my legs were not good enough to walk on.

Sincerely,
The Girl Who Wants Everyone To Like Her

Praying For Parking

Fun fact for you all: I pray for parking. People think it's weird, but I don't care. Even my friends who pray often laugh at this habit. Whatever, it's still what I do.

I started in college; circling the upper lot of student parking, almost late to curfew, like some weird version of Cinderella who had to park her carriage and run home before the clock strikes midnight. It was a habit that stuck with me as I moved to Los Angeles. My fellow Angelenos get it. It can sometimes take just as long to park as it did to drive to your destination. And even then, it's not abnormal to have to pay for parking and then walk several blocks to where you are going. Also, parking at my apartment is no laughing matter. Some mornings, I contemplate taking an uber from my apartment to wherever I was able to find parking the night before. I haven't stooped to that level yet, but I'm not ruling it out as an option.

So I pray. As I drive to dinner. As I drive to church. As I drive to the grocery store. As I drive home. Sometimes it's a conversation and I actually talk with God. Sometimes it's simply a quick "come on, Jesus" as I pull onto my street. But I pray.

And you know what? I often get great parking spots. Some people might think it's just a coincidence, but I don't. I see His love at those points of provision. I see Him working in the moments that a car pulls out of it's parking spot right by the restaurant I'm going to just as I pull up. But what about the times that I don't? What about the times that I have to park six blocks away? What about the times that I have to spend a ton of money on valet because I'm running late and there were no spots anywhere? Or the times that I do get an awesome parking spot, but come back to a parking ticket? Do I see God's love in those moments?

It's so easy for me to believe that God loves me when things are good. When He answers my prayers. When my friends are encouraging me. When I've gotten enough sleep and I haven't messed up yet that day. It's so easy for me to see God's presence in that empty parking space that is there waiting for me.

But on the days that I wake up too late to eat breakfast, have to walk too far to my car, and hit all red lights on the way to work. On the days that seem to stretch on forever. On days when I feel like I have nothing left to give. On the day that my doctor calls me and says I might have a mass in my lung. On days when I feel forgotten. Do I see God's love on those days?

Not always. But if I don't see it or feel it, does that mean it's not there? Fortunately for everyone, this is not one of those hypothetical "tree falls in the forest" situations. We are talking about an ever-present God. Psalm 139 says that there is nowhere we can escape Him. I encourage you to read the whole chapter, but I especially love verses 11-12.

Psalm 139:11-12 (HCSB)

If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me,  

and the light around me will be night” 

even the darkness is not dark to You. 

The night shines like the day; 

darkness and light are alike to You.

I love the picture this passage paints. To me, it says that even if I can't see where I'm going or what is going on, even if everything in my life seems dark, God's presence in my life is not affected. He isn't deterred by the bad things that happen; and they certainly don't affect who He is.

That may be true, and we can acknowledge that God loves us and that He is always present yet not let that affect the way we live our lives. I can continue to complain about everything all I want. But there's another option. I think that the following passage perfectly articulates what should be our response to something as life changing as the fact that GOD LOVES US AND IS ALWAYS WITH US whether we feel Him or not.

Habakkuk 3:17-19 (MSG)

Though the cherry trees don’t blossom 

and the strawberries don’t ripen, 

Though the apples are worm-eaten 

and the wheat fields stunted, 

Though the sheep pens are sheepless 

and the cattle barns empty, 

I’m singing joyful praise to God. 

I’m turning cartwheels of joy to my Savior God. 

Counting on God’s Rule to prevail, 

I take heart and gain strength. 

I run like a deer. 

I feel like I’m king of the mountain!

Now, don't get me wrong... we don't have to always be happy. I don't always feel like I'm king of the mountain. I don't know how to turn cartwheels. I don't walk around all the time with a smile on my face or singing "Everything Is Awesome" (the annoyingly catchy song from the Lego Movie). But having an attitude of praise and gratitude is so important.

Psalm 22:1-5 (MEV)

My God, my God, why have You forsaken me? 

Why are You so far from delivering me, 

and from my roaring words of distress? 

O my God, I cry in the daytime, but You do not answer; 

and at night, but I have no rest. 

But You are holy, O You who inhabits the praises of Israel. 

Our fathers trusted in You; they trusted, and You did deliver them. 

They cried to You and were delivered; 

they trusted in You and were not put to shame.

In this Psalm, David is literally crying out asking why God has forsaken him. But then, he switches to saying that God is holy and He inhabits praise. He knows that God has been faithful before and just because He doesn't see it in this moment, doesn't mean that God has changed.

So, on the days that I get parking, the days that go well, the days that end with me feeling satisfied: I will praise the Lord.

And on the days when everything goes wrong, the days that I do actually have to take an uber to where I parked my car the night before, on the days where my emotions are taking me over: I will praise the Lord.

God Isn't A Middle School Girl

I've had a lot of crushes in my life. Like A LOT. Most of them were fleeting; a momentary interest in their appearance, mind, hobbies, humor, etc. Some of them lasted longer than others, and maybe the guy in question even noticed I existed. I'm embarrassed to admit this publicly, but I've spent a substantial amount of time pining away for guys who didn't even know my name. I've planned my days around where I thought they would be, tried to insinuate myself into their group of friends, or stalked them on social media. I've even baked things for guys I had crushes on. I did learn my lesson about baking, however, when I made a cake for an acquaintance and wrote a frosting request for him to be my date to the end-of-year banquet. He promptly gave the cake back to me, saying he couldn't go and didn't want to give me the impression that he liked me. I went home and cried whilst consuming that entire cake.

In middle school, my crush was a boyishly handsome, red-headed eighth grader. I was a year younger than him and spent most of the fall semester eyeing him in the hall between classes. Whenever, we passed each other, I would give him what I thought was a cute over the shoulder glance. I'm not sure if it was that cute though, as I was at least four inches taller than most of the boys, had braces and glasses, and hadn't yet learned that blue eye shadow was to be used sparingly. Much to my agony, the only time he ever looked my way was when I accidentally ran into a locker.

In high school, I liked a guy with whom I had some mutual friends. I tried everything to get his attention. Nothing worked, so I decided to just straight up tell him I liked him. When he told me he didn't like me back, I said that it was an April Fools joke. We're not friends anymore and I wish that story were an April Fool's joke...

Now, before you think that I'm an awkward person (I am) with the inability to express romantic interest (still correct), let me say that I now know you should NOT tell someone April Fool's after saying you like them... no matter what their response is.

It's fun to remember some of these stories and laugh at my decisions. I still often find myself in the midst of weird situations because of my dramatic and impulsive side, but things have changed between then and now. In the last year, God has literally been transforming and rebuilding my ideas of love, relationships, and even crushes. And in the midst of that rebuilding, I've had some realizations about how God feels toward me; realizations that have made me rethink how I interact with Him.

I didn't share those stories with you just so you could laugh at, or commiserate with, the ridiculous places in which I found myself due to unrequited love. I shared them with you so we can remember what it feels like to notice someone as soon as they come in the room, to hope that they will text you, or to tell them how you feel... only to be either ignored or rejected. Imagine that feeling, except it's not something you can get over. I've moved on from even the most devastating crushes. I've traded one infatuation for another when my feelings weren't reciprocated. But God doesn't have a fleeting crush on us, and He doesn't trade up to get over us when we reject and ignore Him.

Recently, I heard someone say that God waits for us to wake up in the morning. He waits for us, longs for us to acknowledge His existence, and hopes that we will wake up in the morning thinking of Him. He shows us His love in sunsets, in friendships, and in music. He watches us lovingly as we go about our days, just waiting for us to remember Him. But He doesn't just sit back waiting for us either. He straight up told us how He feels, and He didn't say April Fools afterward.

Here are a few of my favorite examples of God telling us how much He loves us:

Hosea 2:14-20

Therefore, behold, I will allure her, and bring her into the wilderness, and speak tenderly to her. And there I will give her her vineyards and make the Valley of Achor a door of hope. And there she shall answer as in the days of her youth, as at the time when she came out of the land of Egypt. “And in that day, declares the Lord, you will call me ‘My Husband,’ and no longer will you call me ‘My Baal.’ For I will remove the names of the Baals from her mouth, and they shall be remembered by name no more. And I will make for them a covenant on that day with the beasts of the field, the birds of the heavens, and the creeping things of the ground. And I will abolish the bow, the sword, and war from the land, and I will make you lie down in safety. And I will betroth you to me forever. I will betroth you to me in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love and in mercy. I will betroth you to me in faithfulness. And you shall know the Lord.

Zephaniah 3:17

The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.

Romans 5:8

but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

All of scripture - in fact all of creation - is filled with His love for and infatuation with us. He has never stopped trying to catch our eye and is always hoping we will notice Him. God is much better at that than I am. He isn't an awkward middle-schooler with poorly applied eye shadow or a desperate high-schooler just looking for someone to validate them. Also, His motives are different than mine were. Not once did I have a crush on someone because I wanted them to feel loved or valued. Them feeling that way may have been an outcome but, at the end of the day, it was always about my need to feel loved. Conversely, God is fully secure and complete in Himself; but He seeks us out, woos us, and waits for us because He wants us to feel loved and, ultimately, so He can save us and so we can have a relationship with Him. As that reality sinks in, I realize I need to change some things about how I respond to God's love and how I love the people around me.

What's Your End Game?

I've always put a lot of stock in my career choices; so much so that career and identity are often synonymous in my mind. People ask me what I do, how I am, or what's happening in my life and work is always the first thing I talk about. I gauge the quality of my day based upon what happened at my job. This sentiment is pretty normal for our culture. We're asked from a young age what we want to be when we grow up. As we get older, we're asked what we want to study in school, where we want to work after college, and about our plan for our career. One of the first questions adults ask each other, whether out of real curiosity or lack of other conversation, is what they do. As I've entered the work force, the two questions I've been asked the most are these: "Where do you want to be in five years?" and "What's your end game?" 

Cue identity crisis.

Up until this point, I've always had a plan. I've always known my next checkpoint and the steps it will take to get there. But here I find myself. I'm a year out of college, working at a great job for an amazing boss, in the field that I studied. I have all these things going for me, yet I'm unable to envision myself five years in the future or fashion an answer as to what on earth my end game might be. For a person who has always equated their worth with their career goals, that's a terrifying place to be.

But maybe a shift in perspective is needed here.

We have a culture that values career so highly. In most jobs, it's understood that you have to put work above all else if you want to succeed. And for some people, that works. The other day, I was talking to a friend of mine about what she does. While she told me about her job, she also talked about the idea of living to work versus working to live. As well-worn as that phrase is, that's the perspective shift I'm currently undergoing.

For so long, I've lived to work. My whole life has centered around getting the grades to get into the school to study the thing that would get me the job. And I'm not complaining, because that path has brought me here. But I've now realized that, while that can still be part of my life, there are more important things than being successful in my career. My church is one of them. In the last year, I've come to find that my heart is to build the house of God. But even more than that, my heart is simply for God. Whatever he wants to do with it, I'm in.

The Westminster Shorter Catechism states this beautifully. When asked about the purpose of man, it states, "Man's chief end is to glorify God, and to enjoy Him forever." If you think about it, that's a fantastic thing to have as your driving force in life. Regardless of what happens in my career, in my church life, or in my personal life, my chief end should be God. His glory. His presence. That's the best end game I'll ever have.

Why I'm Glad I Got Pneumonia

I'm not sure I've ever found a person who said that they enjoyed having pneumonia. And, while I have no plans to start that trend, I'm still glad it happened to me. On June 5th, I went to bed with a fever of 104 and didn't get up again until almost a week later. I'd been sick and tired for months and, apparently, my body just decided it'd had enough! So for the next two and a half weeks, I laid in bed and spent my time reading, watching tv, and listening to podcasts... or at least pretending to, but I was mostly just sleeping.

Let's back up a few weeks to the middle of May, when I went to the women's retreat with my church family. One of the sessions was about embracing seasons of refuge. She talked about not being afraid of seasons when we had to take a step back and take cover. That really connected with me because I'd felt for some time that I needed a season like that. I needed a time to just rest and reconnect with myself and with God. But I'm also that person who doesn't know what to do myself if I'm not stretched thin between three different things. I'd begun to feel like Bilbo in Lord of the Rings. At one point, he tells Gandalf that he feels "thin, sort of stretched, like butter scraped over too much bread." That's what I felt like... but it wasn't my bread that I was stretched over, it was the bread of everyone else's expectations and requests and all the good things that I'd chosen to take on in my life. But I didn't know how to un-stretch myself. I had nothing in my life that I wanted to (or could) take a step back from... at least that's what I thought.

But when you literally can't get out of bed, you find a way to say no to things. You find other people to help carry the load of your responsibilities. You ask your boss for grace as you heal. You say no to people who want to hang out with you.

At first it was great! I was resting and didn't have anywhere I had to be. But after a while, I got restless. I've always had a long to do list to either work on or think about how I should be working on it. I felt like I was missing out. I felt lonely. I felt empty.

But in that emptiness, I found anything but. I found Jesus. I found myself. I found latitude. I found the room to breathe and dream and grow.

That latitude is teaching me how to rest. And not just how to go to bed and not get up again; but how to carry an attitude of rest with me when I do get back out of bed and re-assume my responsibilities. It's teaching me how to say no to things and people in order to spend time dreaming and communing with my God.

I used to be afraid of silence and emptiness. Afraid that if I didn't constantly have fourteen things I was committed to, that I would get left behind. But being sick made me realize that, while life goes on without us, our life doesn't leave us behind when we say no to things. And that realization is what made me glad that I got pneumonia.

shame

She looked at herself
not to see who she was,
but who she thought she should be.
She looked at herself
and found that she was
not what she wanted.
So she packed herself away
in a musty box and
painted the outside with a rosy glow.
People told her she was beautiful;
you're talented, smart, and wonderful! They'd claim.
But she didn't believe it
because she knew all they saw
was the paint on the box
and they didn't know
that the box was her well-disguised shame.

Shorter. Thinner. More Fabulous.

I have an announcement! I like to wear heels!! So what?

It took me a long time to reach a place where I could say that and

Not have a wistful smile on my face, hoping someday I could find the confidence to wear them.

You see, somewhere along the line, I was convinced that that it is inappropriate

To make myself taller than God already made me, and I’m not even that tall.

I used to apologize for my 70 inch frame. I would sit when I could and I slouched out of shame.

I’ve been this height since 6th grade so, as you can imagine, I was an amazon for awhile.

In college, I wore heels a few times and guys informed me that they found it intimidating

And girls asked me if I was afraid that guys wouldn’t like me if I were taller than them,

So I stopped. I gave away all my heels and I bought some new flats.

I looked at the world from a 5’10 perspective with my feet solidly on the ground,

wondering why only short girls and supermodels could wear heels.

I am neither of those things and so I was stuck - a tall, round-ish girl, wearing flats

Wishing to be shorter, thinner, or more fabulous.

But now, I have more heels than flats and I’ve learned how to strut.

I’m taking back my height from society and will wear what I think is fabulous.

I will acknowledge that what I want and like matters.

I want heels. I like to be tall. I like to be fashionable.

Everyone still comments when I wear heels.

Some comments are about how beautiful I am

And some are insensitive and make me uncomfortable in my own skin.

So here I am - a tall, round-ish girl in heels who still sometimes wishes

She was shorter, thinner, or more fabulous.

But I am also a girl who has decided not to let those wishes define me.